Epic Poem: Prodigal Orphan (56 connected haiku)

All my bridges burned 
it’s no one’s fault but my own
Prodigal orphan

I was a loner
since the age of 1 years old
inconsolable 

Where is my mother?
Father, brother and sister?
Why did they leave me?

What happened to them?
They left in the summertime 
shimmering on wings

wings of an airplane 
Mother mother mother please!
Don’t leave me, don’t leave

Vision blurring wrong
waterfall heart tsunami 
baby’s breath starling

No words, pre-verbal
infantile telepathy 
desperation lake

Can’t you hear me plead?
howling bawling begging weep
pouring primal rain

I waited for them
for their never—-to return
that was the first burn

That was the first bridge
that I would disassemble 
my first glass castle

no one can enter
bright quick to reject you first
Queen of solitaire 

Why was it just me?
what did I do wrong, tell me—-
why did you hate me?

They left together 
they kept me with grandmother
who was a stranger 

that I grew to love
she drank and sang and gambled
changed my soiled diapers 

We slept on the floor
on thick Korean blankets 
our shared treasure nest

She was my shelter 
I readapted to her
rebuilt trust with her

for 2 or 3 years
she was my sun, stars and moon
she was my cocoon

Surrogate mother
who carried me on her back
like a pearled knapsack

She taught me to speak
taught me to walk, run, bow 
taught me reverence 

Birth to 3 is key 
holds elements of safety
she was my blanket

refuge from the storm
called me, “agga” and “eggy”
I was her baby

washed my tiny face
restored my faith, saving grace
fed me hand to mouth

tiny spoons of rice
kimchee cut into rivers
steamed eggs, tofu soup

no one else but her
she was my everything good
no one but Grandma

Planet Halmoni
could make a feast from nothing 
she survived a war

lawns were edible 
she could pick a green field clean
make food from acorns

She sang mourning songs
Arirang, lost lover balm
widowed so early

She raised four daughters
that’s what made her drink so much
sorrow courted us

Proof in photographs 
my expressions looked so lost
tragedy can’t hide

Curled hair in pigtails 
bowl cut bangs, red shined sandals
large eyes and dimples

Why did they leave me?
why wasn’t I good enough?
did I cry too much?

Then one fatal day
Grandma said, “Let’s take a trip
to America 

visit family—-
Don’t you miss your family?”
I think I said, “No—-“

“YOU’RE my family!”
“Don’t you want to see Uhm mah?”
(Uhm mah means mother)

So we packed our bags
we even brought our blankets
for the brief visit 

We boarded the plane
ears popped, I hate aeroplanes
strangers greeted me

crying and hugging
staring at me and laughing 
everytime I spoke

words jumped down my throat
Why are they always laughing
trying to touch me?

I hate attention 
it feels like criticism 
stop looking at me

“Grandma”, I shouted
“That girl is touching OUR things!
stealing our blanket!”

“No, that’s your sister
she loves you, that’s your brother
mother and father.”

I became restless
I was homesick for our home
sliding door and mats

“When can we go home?
we visited family—-
now let’s go back home.”

“Baby, you are HOME.
This isn’t a short visit
I brought you back home.”

“Here’s where you belong
I’m the one that’s visiting 
I have to return.”

After grandma left
my heart hollowed out fully
it’s numb to this day

No one can touch me
I died and went far away
shell of me remained

when grandma left me
all the birds in my heart wept
never to return 

What did I do wrong
Why does love always grieve me?
abandoned orphan

After grandma left
I stopped speaking Korean 
she taught me those words

I slept on the floor
alone with our shared blanket
my trust followed her

like a lost puppy
my tears solved nothing, just burned
the hole in my heart

That’s why they left me
that heart murmur orphaned me
which still hasn’t closed

and only God knows
how long I’ll be on this road
solitary rose

Every bridge I burn
expert of self-sabotage 
every bond broken

It’s my private cross
my self-made burden of loss
prodigal orphan.