Poem: Midlife Mourning— Sunrise like a Pearl (Epic haiku in 5 parts with 55 variations)

Serene Grace, , 

(1)
Mourning in my room
lights are on but no one’s home
waking from a tomb

It’s hard to start up
pull myself from sleeplessness 
haunted by regrets

Autopilot life
where am I wandering to?
seoul sister orphan 

I’m a spectacle 
freak show version of myself
crying in my car

This midlife crisis 
feels like a marathon race
but I’ve earned this fate.

Wisdom leaves it’s mark
Where’s the me I used to be?
Dancing and laughing 

Attractive artist 
though I often felt lonely
handsome men chased me

Obliviously
thought I held the keys of life
when I knew nothing 

(2)
I left my mother
after washing the dishes
when the house emptied 

I was a coward
for freedom’s idealism 
selfish prodigal

Night before I said,
“Mom, I’m leaving tomorrow”[1]
She hoped, “That’s just talk”

She searched in LA
but I went to gay SF
rainbowland of pervs

Dropout beatnik ghouls
unstructured nonsense living
Brautigan lured me

with his sad poems
his woeful anti-hero
sorrow and humor

Should’ve known better
he shot himself in the head
but I adored him

I gravitated 
to melancholic addicts
wanted to save them

Mom wanted that too
I just realized that truth!
writing’s therapy

Freud was a pervert 
most therapists are clueless
I prefer Carl Jung

(3)
It took me too long
‘spiritual not religious’
was my siren’s song

Mom said, “I trust you”
“I’ll publish all your writing”
How could she expect

that I had nothing?
Nothing worth the pain I caused
mere self-indulgence.

If you’re young, listen
prioritize family
not the world’s strangeness

I long to hear her
hope singing in the kitchen 
her voice of love’s gone.

“You are my Sunshine”
“Once I had a secret love”
“Beautiful Brown Eyes”

My mind still hears her
bright soprano opera
she vocalized joy

She gave me so much 
undeserved recognition
and she forgave me—-

“It’s My fault,” she’d say
Mom blamed herself for most things
fixed what was broken.

Like a champion 
she never played the victim—- 
that was my role.

Master complainer,
I kept her love at distance,
endlessly waiting 

for my re-entrance 
I realized my mistakes
shallow wrong thinking 

too little, too late
Mom’s safe now in Heaven’s place
free of worrying 

(4)
All I can hope now
is pray I’ll see her again
Heaven’s reunion

cancer tortured her
but she never blamed Jesus
faithful all her life.

She lost her father
when she was a little girl
kindness and patience 

He was a dentist 
who didn’t charge his patients 
since they were too poor

Neighborhood hero
but the war took everything 
crushed his kind spirit 

That’s what stole his life
he died when he was still young,
cruel tragedy.

Grandma punished Mom
misplaced sorrow hurt them both
alcoholism [2]

My Grandma raised me
away from my family 
temporarily 

My heart condition 
triggered the abandonment 
They immigrated 

without bringing me—-
Doctors gave them bad advice 
said my heart was weak

wanted to cut me
with open heart surgery 
but Mom refused them

so grateful for that
I would’ve had a huge scar
perhaps even death.

(5)
satan has harassed 
my family for so long
since we’re God’s children 

Evil gambles lives
incites betrayal with lies 
it’s motive is pride

It grooms us with shame
excuses, alibis, blame
thief darkens our light

It blindfolds true sight
takes pleasure spreading hatred
It spells LIVE backwards 

I was distorted 
California liberal
New Age retarded

I can’t Time Portal
I’d change the past if I could 
switch evil to good

I misunderstood 
gained the world but lost my heart
‘kingdom for a horse’ [3]

[6]
All this love is whirled
What is this place that breaks—-then
reshapes us like pearls?

All is not lost yet
as long as you still have breath
live your best for God

Connect like a thread
sew God’s goodness and mercy 
Love’s shield on your chest

Suffering abounds
Wear kindness and compassion 
Light and Salt soldier [4]

Don’t ever forget
Fight for what’s right til the end
Sunrise like a pearl.
Pexels.com

(haiku is all about brevity but I’ve transformed it into it’s opposite :).

[1]I told my mom I was moving to CA and left the next day.

[2] After my grandfather died, my grandmother became an alcoholic. She was a strong, beautiful person but had to raise 4 daughters by herself in wartime induced poverty.

[3] ‘My Kingdom for a horse’ is from Shakespeare’s Richard III, (thank you, Christopher) he says it frantically, desperately trying to survive his eminent death on the battlefield. It echoes the Bible verse, “What is it worth, to gain the world, but ultimately lose your soul?” Mark 8:36 (Serene Grace translation).

[4] Being the “light and salt”: light shines truth, exposes darkness (blindness), salt is flavorful (distinctive) and can also be medicinal, as a purifier.

16 Comments

  1. Wow.
    This is an absolutely amazing literary piece, Judy.

    You’ve written your autobiography, your mother’s biography, your grandmother’s biography and part of your family biography in 55 variations of haiku.

    I believe it was the Russian writer Alexander Pushkin who wrote an entire novel in poetic verse back in the 1820s (the name of the novel was Onegin).

    You’ve accomplished a similar feat.

    What you wrote in your footnotes, I was able to glean from the haiku variations themselves.

    However the footnotes are a good thing for any woke person who stumbles across your blog post and would no doubt have a hard time figuring out what it is you’re talking about.

    “My kingdom for a horse” I grasped was a Shakespearian way of saying the famous quote Jesus made that was written down in Mark 8:36.

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    1. Thank you very much, Christopher. Your compliment is very generous. I didn’t know Onegin was written in verse, I only saw a film version of it. I want to read it now :).

      My mother, grandmother were both larger than life, in my mind. I can’t write enough about them, they amaze me.

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. They are amazing individuals by the sounds of it.
        I saw this year on YouTube a film that was made in 1999 with Ralph Fiennes and Liv Tyler called Onegin.
        After watching the film, I did some research to discover whether the film was actually based on a Russian novel.
        I discovered it was and it was by Pushkin and written in poetic verse.
        I just googled the novel again.
        It was written in 1833 although the story is set in the 1820s.
        Apparently an opera version of the story was written and composed in the later 19th Century.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Yes, but now I think I can relate to being a dimwit (in general). I suppose that’s what true tragedy is, being able to see the errors—but too late to fix the past.

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  2. I accidentally circled a line while I was writing and by doing so I managed to stop myself from being able to write any more (I never have been able to figure out WP’s block editor style).

    From the past if I try to correct it, the block editor will just totally wipe out all I have written.

    Anyhow this is just my non-brevity way of saying I hadn’t finished writing my above comment.

    So what I was going to add in my above comment ,

    Just one correction in your footnotes I’d make.

    ”My kingdom for a horse” was from Richard III not MacBeth.

    I’d have probably not have noticed save for one thing.

    I don’t know if you ever saw the 1968 musical film version of Oliver Twist called Oliver! but Fagin in that movie was played by an actor called Ron Moody.

    Years ago at the Citadel Theatre Playhouse in Edmonton Alberta I saw a live stage version of Shakespeare’s Richard III where Ron Moody played Richard III.

    And Moody gave a particularly stirring and moving version of the My Kingdom for a horse soliquy as he lay dying from his battle wounds.

    So I remembered that.

    Once again this series of 55 haiku variations is a brilliant literary masterpiece. 🙂

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    1. Thank you for the correction:)! I get Shakespearean plays confused! For some reason I thought Macbeth said that, haha! I was an english major but it was decades ago and I think I skipped over Richard III! I am always impressed by your encyclopedic brain, truly brilliant. I will correct the footnote. Thanknyou my friend😄

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  3. The past is immutable, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much we’d like to change things.

    Family is the single most important thing there is and I really wish I had learned that when I was younger.

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    1. I agree, Crandew, you’ve said it perfectly. It is so obvious now— what wasn’t obvious then. Family is a true treasure. I wish I knew that earlier as well.

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